Babbler Dabbler - Latest Comments

Re: Living Out Loud (Coming Out of the Bipolar Closet)

HannaMccoy — Sat, 17 Mar 2012 19:55:29 -0000

YOU ARE AMAZING & AN INSPIRATION TO ME!

Re: Living Out Loud (Coming Out of the Bipolar Closet)

Briana — Wed, 07 Mar 2012 15:54:21 -0000

Hi Izzy! I sure do understand! Every day is a balancing act of 'proper and good' actions and reactions and it's only alone with my writing or music (or husband and dog) that I can truly let my mind shake itself loose form the chains, wander around a bit, and just be myself, guilt- and worry-free. Welcome aboard, and I hope to see you around as this wee blog grows.

Re: Living Out Loud (Coming Out of the Bipolar Closet)

izzy — Mon, 20 Feb 2012 18:37:59 -0000

Seriously, i hope this sticks cuz it's important to feel comfortable with yourself. I just discovered this dabbler site and now i'm fucking ecstatic. It's been hard to connect with people around me cuz i always feel like i'm crazy. I'm bipolar and you know what...i'm proud of it. Now i finally have an outlet to be myself and not be judged.
Everyday i live my life with a blank expression when i'm alone or a cheery happy go lucky exterior when i'm out. I never express what i'm really thinking about. When i get engaged in a conversation with someone my mind just skyrockets and i keep thinking to myself while they're talking to me like, what do you mean, why do you keep doing that thing, stop looking away, stop staring. I constantly wonder about that particular person to. I explode into analyst mode and i try to read their body language, facial expression, word choice, fashion sense, and even how they talk to people they are familiar with. My thoughts get intense...quick.

It's great to know that they're are people who understand out there :)

Re: Alone, With My Thoughts

tokenalibis — Sat, 29 Oct 2011 23:58:59 -0000

I literally just woke up, so we'll see how coherent I'll be right now. DERP

Man, your happiness comes first. You have to feel happy and alive and if that means going back to work full-time to pay off the evil bills to be able to get your peace of mind/happiness back in order to go to school again, by all means do it!

Rough Ride will always be there for you even through the other things. You need to get yourself back in that good mental state again. I can tell you I deeply miss all the wacky creatives I got to know in school, and I'm in much of the same little self-contained cave. I think for me it's more that my sleep disorder has become so severe that sadly, staying self-contained is just how I'm still able to function. It saps so much of my energy leaving my house, literally falling asleep all over the place getting ready... and then the meds kick in and you just do your best to hold on.

I have a similar little pocket of death - if I'm not able to ultimately continue to do creative things on some level there's times where I just feel like I'm dying inside.

I have no idea where I was going to go with this anymore. I'm not awake yet.

Edit: I thought of one other thing I was going to add. I've been listening to so much HanDover/Skinny Puppy and I'm much of the same with headphones paranoia, but the opposite perhaps in a sense. When I get super tired I have hypnagogic (dream) hallucinations, so falling asleep with my headphones on prevents that - but then I doze off and see all sorts of screwed up nonsense in my dreams thanks to Nivek Ogre's voice.

Re: Words Just Seep Out Against My Will

Briana — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 22:35:06 -0000

SAME! I have journals doubling as sketch/art books and like you, if the previous entries are shit, I dump the whole book, you nailed why quite a few of the journals are barely filled. Maybe a really shitty time in my life that I don't want to even start writing down but get a few sentences in anyway, maybe entries where I was clearly stoned out of my gourd back in my Happy Grass days, sometimes just scrawled, stupid imagery and lame things done up in colored pencil or pen and ink.

But I can't throw them away, either. I guess something in me knows that even BAD writing is writing, and to toss it would be some weird sacrilege. Nor can I rip out the offending pages, because then, the book is 'ruined' and I for sure can't use it at all. If I rip out the pages (I've tried) the book instantly becomes a glorified pile of scratch paper.

Re: Words Just Seep Out Against My Will

tokenalibis — Sat, 08 Oct 2011 22:22:19 -0000

I'm much the same way with sketchbooks - all sorts of them, different colors, types of paper, shapes, etc. squirreled all about in every corner of my room. I hoard them in a sense because it seems that I have some that are totally filled (which is awesome, but rare) but overwhelmingly there's only a few things scattered in them here and there and they never are "finished." I have this strange perfectionist asshole quality in my sketchbooks where I used to have this issue in that if I drew anything I didn't like, then suddenly I didn't want to draw in the sketchbook anymore and I'd get out a new one.

Yeah, that's not weird or anything.

Now I only draw in them if I have a solid image that comes to mind. If nothing comes, then I just don't draw. I realize artists are likely the harshest critics of themselves... certainly the case for me.

The freakiest ones to go through are probably like going over your old writings during similar episodes - it's crazy seeing how horrific some of my sketches were when I was deep in the throes of depression, or even seeing the things I attempted to draw while my brain was simultaneously in REM.

Re: So long, Seroquel!

MO — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 17:45:59 -0000

Excellent post! Couldn't have said it better. Darn those munchies!

Re: Kicking and Screaming

Briana — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 00:22:59 -0000

Yup, I've been on Risperdal (risperidone) for a month now and after some bumps which I hope to blog about shortly, it's been doing the trick, mentally, and no RLS, so that's a bonus. Muscle cramps, yes, RLS, no. Weird tradeoff.

Re: Kicking and Screaming

Briana — Tue, 06 Sep 2011 00:21:42 -0000

I have to be careful taking drugs that make me drowsy, as the drugs I already take have that effect, so I don't take anything like Tylenol PM. The only other thing I've taken that causes RLS is Zyprexa and those kicks were as bad as the Seroquel, yuk! I'm on Risperdal (risperidone) now and haven't had the RLS although I do have the occasional muscle spasm in my right calf, REALLY painful and had that with the Seroquel I used to take.

Re: Kicking and Screaming

the masked bandito — Thu, 01 Sep 2011 11:48:11 -0000

the restless legs are due to your methylation. blame your doctors ignorance. you probably should be on risperidone and not seroquel, and never both.

Re: Kicking and Screaming

Leo — Tue, 30 Aug 2011 23:21:03 -0000

Really liked reading this. I am just starting seroquel supposedly to STOP restless leg, and I'm feeling the same insanity you're describing. I think it's the anti-histamine properties? What happens if you take tylenol pm, do you get restless leg with that too? (I do.) Ahhhhhh!

Re: My Body, My Work

Bill Oberst Jr. — Thu, 21 Jul 2011 18:30:13 -0000

I am the actor "B" that Babbler Dabbler speaks of. The unusual body has been a source of fascination for me since childhood, and I am not at all bothered by the fact that I have grown into an actor whose physical form further illuminates the lives and passions of dark men I generally play. The pic is one from the special page of the new site that is mentioned in Babbler's post. I thank her for the encouragement to create it.

I quite like the heading on the right hand side of this page: "Notable Freaks And Wonders." When I look in the mirror; when I stand in front of the camera; when I hear a make-up artist say "even your nipples are creepy!;" at all times and in all places of this good life I give thanks that I am a freak. And (in my better moments) a wonder.

Re: Cocktail Hour and the Writer

Briana — Mon, 04 Jul 2011 11:52:52 -0000

Thanks,C. That means a lot, truly, especially from you. And I know you really 'get it', as well.

Re: Cocktail Hour and the Writer

Creggur — Mon, 04 Jul 2011 08:06:08 -0000

I feel your frustration, which in retrospect shows you've got the goods. Beyond simply reading your words, I FEEL them, you see. And that, to me, is the best compliment a writer can receive...

Re: Sleep Paralysis #1

Briana — Tue, 24 May 2011 21:53:34 -0000

Thank you so much for sharing all that! Even though so many of the places our bodies and minds take us are unfortunate to one degree or another, the return, depending on the person, can be immense. Sucks that some of those places are so...sucky!

We're lucky, though, that we live in an age where being straightjacketed in a public asylum isn't the best we can hope for for ourselves. With the right meds and 10 minute long commercials, we'll be in good nick. I really got a kick out of our call the other day, talking about our medicine chest woes. As long as we have our drug cocktails, we're in good shape, eh?

In terms of creativity and inspiration, many of my ideas for writing come straight from dreams or sleep paralysis situations. And as with many writers, if I don't write them down right away, I lose them entirely. And while many of these dreamed sequences can seem genuinely terrifying, I think by being immersed in them for so long, nothing seriously shocks or surprises us anymore. This adds to that layer of invulnerability that we (like to think) we have! At least for me it does.

However, I learned a long time ago while in school for a veterinary technician degree that when you stop feeling emotions related to the job, it's NOT a good thing. It doesn't mean you've 'gotten used to it'. What it means is you've developed compassion fatigue and in many cases PTSD, also.

As much as the sleep paralysis is so bone-deep terrifying, I don't think I want it to go away. I really do think it's something deep within myself communicating on a very conscious level with me and if something is wanting to be that close to the surface, if it's that horrifying, I'd be remiss if I didn't chase after it when it disappeared.

Re: Sleep Paralysis #1

tokenalibis — Fri, 06 May 2011 21:45:49 -0000

So far as I know, I'm the only one in my family to (at least regularly) have sleep paralysis. I experience really bizarre, frightening and often horrific hallucinations with them like your post describes - I vividly remember the first time it happened, I asked one of my parents about it and was told I was just having a nightmare - but I knew for certain that I had been awake (mostly!) when I saw what I did and aware of my surroundings, I just was totally unable to move and extremely groggy.

I had other symptoms arise over the years alongside the sleep paralysis and hallucinations, mainly extreme sleepiness during the day, turning into an insomniac at night. I always had super-vivid dreams, and my friends marveled that I was able to not only remember them, but in so much detail.

It took me 12 years to find a doctor that finally connected the dots to narcolepsy. I was very depressed about the sleep paralysis and hallucinations for years though, and thought I was some kind of looney - most people I talked to about them (usually when sleeping over at friends' houses and they'd tell me they woke up seeing me terror-stricken, but not entirely "awake") seemed to remember experiencing at least the paralysis once or twice, but when I'd explain I had it so frequently I felt like I morphed into an exhibit at the zoo. After my diagnosis, I went and joined a ton of Facebook groups for it, which has turned out to be very rewarding. So far as the condition goes, I've learned I'm extremely normal in that aspect.

Oh hell, I didn't mean to jabber this much. I'm certain, though, that years of bizarre sleep patterns, dreams and seeing these vivid things has played an immense role in my creativity and inspiration.

Re: Sleep Paralysis #1

Briana — Thu, 28 Apr 2011 00:18:26 -0000

Thank you, your kind words mean a lot :)

I meant to answer your questions and more tonight but am exhausted and have much to do tomorrow. I DO have a full blog post planned outlining the episode this past Monday AM and the subsequent inspiration. But yes, I have them, and my mom has a different form of them (often genetic).

Mine are tied to extreme stress, migraines and mood swings. They are more rare now that I'm older but when I was younger, folks thought I'd gone mad! Look for the next post, defintitely more to come!

Re: Fatty Fatty, Two by Four…

Eileen — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 19:02:19 -0000

Your comments ran true. I've put on considerable weight since being on Seroquel. My PHd put me on Carbartrol ER 300mg one twice per day and it seems to be helping.

Re: Sleep Paralysis #1

tokenalibis — Wed, 27 Apr 2011 00:51:20 -0000

So much intrigue and I cannot wait to read more! I have so many questions! As this is a "journal entry", I interpret that these are from your own experiences with sleep paralysis and hypnagogic/hypnopompic hallucinations? Do they happen to you often? Do you have night terrors/nightmares often?

Your writing is exquisite and this is truly the most spot-on rendition of the experience of these phenomena I've ever read. Most other accounts I've come across have come nowhere near remotely close. I have struggled for years to explain these experiences to people and have never come close, but like I know I've mentioned to you before I've never been the best at putting things into words.

Re: Fatty Fatty, Two by Four…

Marie — Mon, 25 Apr 2011 11:30:12 -0000

Thank you for your honest appraisal of Seroquel, and I pray that you find peace soon.

Re: Just noticing a theme…

Briana — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 20:20:33 -0000

LOVE Creme Brulee!! I welcome all pre-poultry into my larder nowadays, not very choosy or freaked anymore.

Re: “What Do the Tattoos on Your Back Say?”

Briana — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 20:12:34 -0000

I have a doozie on my forehead, kicked by a horse when I was 10 or 11. I didn't cry (I like think I'm macho, but it was most likely shock) and when I saw the gaping hole and shiny skull in the mirror, all I could do was marvel and touch it. That made my mom almost pass right out. She slapped a wet washcloth on it and barely made it to the ER with me in tow before she flopped over :) Other scars are smaller, faded and less spectacular.

Re: Why Am I So Afraid?

@souzawrites — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 19:25:39 -0000

I have never been afraid to write. My fears are different. I'm afraid I may not be able to feel deeply enough to be a good writer and may not write well enough to make others feel deeply. So I do the only thing I can; I write and try to get better at it.

Re: “What Do the Tattoos on Your Back Say?”

@souzawrites — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 19:10:38 -0000

I'm old-school. No tattoos, just scars that tell their own story. For the rest of the story, those interested have to talk to the face.

Re: Just noticing a theme…

@souzawrites — Mon, 29 Nov 2010 19:07:46 -0000

Is an egg still an egg when it's Creme Brulee? Never say never. What a lovely place this is.